Reticent on the High Dive, by Phil EvansPhilip Evans - 8 Dec 2006
In the build up to Christmas, I've been looking back over the last year and have been surprised when I realise how much has happened in 365 days. At the beginning of 2006, I remember thinking that this year would be a big year. Sure enough 12 months on I’m now married, own my own home and am thinking about what lies ahead. My life has seen significant changes in a short space of time; if someone had told me of the changes I was about to face I would have probably gone down a different path. The proposed changes could have appeared too daunting to experience.
When I was a kid and my parents would take me to a public swimming pool, my experience of the high dive was much like my life seems to be right now. From below, the high dive doesn't look like it is really that high. I'd puff out my chest and talk about how diving off of that would be a piece of cake. "Anybody could jump off that thing!", I'd declare as my Dad smiled at me knowingly. A slow process of realisation began when I got in line to make that long climb up the high dive. Questions sprang into my mind: "Wait a minute, that looks a lot higher than it did from the pool." "Is it going to hurt when I hit the water?" "Am I capable of missing the pool altogether?" Fear and uncertainty increased when the big moment arrived and there was no one else ahead of me in line. "Whoah! This is definitely higher than I had estimated", I'd think to myself. After a long nervous moment, I'd see my Dad in the pool waving up at me. "Don't be afraid! I'll be here!", he'd yell. His encouragement would give me a boost of confidence and I'd go for it before my thoughts and fears caught up with me. ONE... TWO... THREE... JUMP!
As I write, I’m now considering the changes that may take place over the next 2 years. Anna and I are feeling called to move to Belgrade in Serbia to plant a 24-7 Boiler Room. In a lot of ways, Belgrade has become our more mature high dive. It looks great to talk about moving to Belgrade and starting a community when people ask us about the future. It’s also easy to talk about big things that sound exciting and dynamic on paper. I’ve almost got bored with it as a response because it’s never been under-girded by the reality of commitment. I’m learning that it’s actually very glamorous to talk about a vision or calling when it remains at the hypothetical stage. It can make you look good, kind of like talking big about jumping off that high dive while you swim about in that comfortably familiar pool. But talk is talk- it doesn't actually count for anything in reality. I’m learning that flirting with a vision is very different to actually walking with a vision. As we start thinking about what it will take for a Boiler Room in Belgrade to become a reality, I realise I’m forced to question my own commitment to the process. As I think about the future, the present seems to illuminate itself and I go through this surreal process of spiritual procrastination. Things I didn’t value before seem to become closer to my heart as if my decision to ‘move on’ is being contested. The decision to live like we’re going is definitely the right place to be, but initially it doesn’t feel as good as the decision to live like we were staying.
As I enjoy living in the reality of the changes of 2006, I think about what it will feel like to live in the reality of moving to Belgrade with a community of people committed to creativity, prayer, justice, mission, hospitality and learning. It’s suddenly become a reality worth fighting for. After all, doesn't the pool seem a bit boring compared to the vertiginous reality of the high dive?
